Sony Releases Play Station 2

New Console Replaces CD/DVD Player, Human Interaction

Thousands of lonely, single men aged 15-25 lined up outside department stores two weeks ago to be the first to purchase Sony's much-anticipated PlayStation 2. The console, which touts considerably crisper graphics, digitally enhanced music, and networking capabilities, is the ultimate in home entertainment.

Along with its ability to play horrifically detailed murder games filled with large breasted women, the PS2 doubles as a burned-CD and pirated-DVD movie player. With the purchase of an optional modem, users can download illegal music files, play violent games with socially maladjusted youths in other cities, and surf the web for porn-all though their television sets. Tangentially, the PS2 also includes a toaster, is an inkjet printer, and can separate and fold laundry.

Sony's PlayStation 2, recently released in North America.

Despite all the hoopla over the above features, Sony itself is most excited about the personal care items. All consoles come equipped a feeding tube that supplies the game player with a constant supply of starch and saline as well as an enema bag to facilitate continuous play. "We know how annoying it is to pause 'Tomb Raider' to go to the bathroom, eat food, or to rotate yourself so that your bedsores don't get infected," said Mirokasai Harai, a Sony marketing representative. "So we included more convenience features in the PS2."

Harai also points out that the new PS2 operating system is socially responsible. The OS is equipped with a taut, gun-wielding, 19-year-old Latina "virtual authority figure" that appears every few days to remind the user about things like "talking to other people," "doing chores," and "getting exercise." The player can choose the appearance of their VAF (either French Maid, Catholic Schoolgirl, or Haley Joel Osment) as well as the volume and type of gun that she wields.

Also included with the PS2 is a DVD of "virtual friends" so the gamer can sever all ties with the flesh world. Many gamers think this is a real advance in console technology. "Real friends are such a pain," said long-time PlayStation fan Andrew Gainer, "but with Friend Builder 2.0, you can build the perfect friend, and never have to worry about remembering stupid stuff like his name or his birthday and shit. Plus you don't have to buy him any presents for Christmas or his birthday and he won't beat the crap out of you for calling his mother a whore. You'd be surprised how many people get touchy about that."

Gainer's enthusiasm spilled over after reading trade show papers theorizing future PS2 add-ons. "I heard there's even a chip they sell on the Internet that lets you download sexual encounters in mp3 format," he said. "Granted, they're sampled at 44 kHz so you're going without some of the high pitched noises, but you're still doing Cindy Margolis at 128 kilobytes per second. This is going to rule!

Basketball Recruit Signs 4 Year, $10 Million Scholarship

Jerome Hill

University basketball coach Brian Ellerbe announced the signing of All-American point guard Jerome Hill to a four-year, ten-million-dollar scholarship in a press conference yesterday afternoon.

"We're very excited to have such a great athlete at such a great price," Ellerbe stated. "We were really worried we would not be able to fit him under the salary cap-I mean, um, within the athletic budget-but when Kevin Gaines's scholarship got torn up, it gave us the numbers we needed to sign this potential superstar."

The scholarship has opt-out options after Hill's freshman and junior years should he choose to enter the NBA draft or drunkenly overturn a Ford Explorer. "[The contract] really gives us the flexibility we need," said David Falk, a "family friend." "And it's purely coincidental that I'm a famous, powerful sports agent who is speaking on his behalf."

Other universities have expressed concerns about the signing. "I could be wrong, but it just seems like there is something fishy about this whole thing," Arkansas coach Nolan Richardson said yesterday. "I mean, a four year scholarship? It's not like anyone stays in college for more than two seasons."

Ellerbe, however, maintains that Hill's scholarship is perfectly legal. "There is absolutely no wrongdoing here," he said. "We are a university that always plays by the rules. Sure, sometimes we get confused and think the rules say 'have a university booster pay your players thousands of dollars' or 'drunk driving is way cool,' but it's not like any of our players got a 20 percent discount on sneakers. Our coaches never bought a player a plane ticket home so he could attend his father's funeral like that Ohio State coach did a few years back. Those are serious violations, and the University would never stoop to such lows."

Hill prefers to concentrate on the positive aspects of his recruitment. "This is a great opportunity for me," he said from his home. "I get to follow a long tradition of players who were choked by assistant coaches, smoked pot, and got into drunken brawls on I-75 in Detroit. Other than maybe Cincinnati, I saw no other school with such an illustrious history in its basketball program."

In addition to basketball, Hill figures to take a rigorous course load. The special program he will enroll in, the Katzenmoyer Curriculum, was pioneered at Ohio State University, a noted educational establishment and the place where minds go to die. Prominent classes in the program include "Golf: Stick Hit Ball, Urg" and "AIDS Awareness: AIDS Is For Shit."

Ellerbe is impressed with Hill's ambitious plans. "AIDS is something more people should be aware of," he said.

Despite Hill's high national ranking, enthusiasm for his signing was tempered when the NCAA announced that it would suspend him for the first 1,000 games of his career for accepting 18 years of secret financial help from two mysterious individuals Hill has identified only as "Mom" and "Dad."

Fidel Plays Ping Pong

This is a real photo of Fidel Castro playing ping pong. Amazing what things one can find on the internet.